This may get disgusting. I swear a lot here. Fuck you.
So since Marc Walder visited, I haven’t really been able to do much. Pollen count rose in these here parts, and naturally I’m one of the feeble humans that suffers from the dreaded hay fever. I got pretty bunged up pretty quickly. A sniffling mess, if you will. You see I’m lucky enough to be allergic to grass pollen, which I believe is the longest season. FUCKING YAY. Although I maybe wrong. I’ve done that before. Once. Shut up.
Also, I work in an office. So some shitebag has likely given me the cold; having noticed I wasn’t ripping through enough tissues in the day. COUNT AGAIN COCKTANGLE, I’M LITERALLY SPLITTING TISSUES WITH EACH BLOW HERE. Couple these two bastard things together and you get what can only be described as a super virus called Jiu-Jitsu Fever. It’s ready to destroy the world, and you can’t stop it. Now you’d think Jiu-Jitsu Fever would be something that would literally shake the slums of Brazil, as one of their brilliant home country heroes destroyed all the hot talent at the worlds.
Much like ‘soccer fever’ but no, does it fuck.
Jiu-Jitsu Fever in its purest form destroys any momentum you had, because you cannot train. Why can’t you train? You can’t fucking train, because you now have the same slippery coating as a burst squid, as you splutter everywhere. Think about a jellyfish getting shot out of a cannon onto a tiled surface. That beautiful eruption of sloppy squealch is every fucking sneeze.
Sneeze. Cough. Rinse. Repeat. Fuck sake.
Also, you’d spread Jiu-Jitsu Fever, or at least the cold counterpart of the demon virus. As you’re all smart little cookies, you’ll know that the common cold is quite infectious, and cunts don’t like that shit up in their grill. I could wipe out a whole gym with a runny fucking nose.
Now I’d considered training on Wednesday, Friday and Saturday there. All three were shot down by how I’d been feeling. Fuck you Jiu-Jitsu Fever. Luckily, I hear chirping. Suddenly colours are being shat out of the abyss of despair, things are starting to look up as I’m coughing and sneezing far less… I’ll cut a long story short. I had some food, a massive coughing fit and about an hour before I was due to go the gym, I had an accident.
I’m going to be as graphic as I feel is needed here. I started coughing, and decided to shield my mouth as you do. It’s the decent thing to do. Walls do not need to be splattered by phlegm. I pulled the neck of my t-shirt up, coughed pretty hard and shot a stream of slimey silvery mucus down between my t-shirt and chest. It was fucking disgusting. Picture it. I’m not going to training. I’ll hopefully be well enough by Wednesday.
Fuck you Jiu-Jitsu Fever.