On October 9th 2022 I completed the best game I’ve ever played, saved my progress and readied myself to start all over again on New Game+. Sure the difficulty will be different, some of the baddies have also levelled up and there’s some things I missed the first time around; but I’ve got all that juicy experience now – I’ve played this game before and I’m going back in with a few tricks up my sleeve. Ya boy has prestiged, baby.
For those of you in the room that haven’t wasted countless hours of your life playing computer games (fucking weirdos), I’ll explain what that rambling guff means. My longtime coach, mentor & friend David Speedy Elliot awarded me my black belt in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. I know I could have just said that in the first place, but I’m trying to captivate an audience here. Literally tens of people may read this.
Now granted October 9th was quite a while ago, so what’s been the hold up on writing this? It was very much a where to bloody start thing. I’ve written and re-written this so many times it’s actually maddening, to the point where I had to step away and start again. And again. And again. Sometimes writing is easy, sometimes you turn into George R. R. Martin and delete more than you write. Now I’m not saying that these posts are anywhere near the level of Game of Thrones, because let’s face – Game of Thrones is an absolute lot of shite. I’d be doing pretty well to be considered in that regard.
Let’s go on a wee journey, before I speak about the big day and the people & places that helped get me there. Had to get the word journey in somewhere, as it’s a staple of the Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu vocabularly. JUST A SMALL TOWN GIRL, LIVIN’ IN A LONELY WORLD. TOOK THE MIDNIGHT TRAIN GOIN’ ANYWHERRRRRRE.
In 2010, Dundee’s Gi scene was simply Judo, Japanese JuJitsu & Karate. Now I’m not going to shit on any other martial arts, because that’s not my style and I’ll remind you to do the same. Actually why don’t you take a wee moment to yourself and think about how many swordsmen actually roam around the streets that you comfortably canter on. You’ll be hard pressed to find any! God forbid someone DARED to unsheath a katana in the city centre; they’d be disarmed, folded up and sent packing by a 70 year old man with a heavy drinking problem that has studied the way of the Samurai so fluidly that you’d never even be able to comprehend that level of dedication in your entire feeble little existence.
His silken tongue spits ink blotted subtitled Kanji into the sky as he lets out a roaring battlecry, lights a cigarette and shuffles away in a dirty kimono to the nearest Farmfoods for his weekly shoppin’. It isn’t the police that are keeping you safe, it’s these vigilantes. Those traditional martial artists keep the riff raff out and just you fucking remember that you butt scooting son of bitch. YOU LISTEN TO ME BUCKO – woah, I blacked out for a wee moment there. What was I saying?
2010 was a very different time. Dundee Mixed Martial Arts had just opened and what they offered was a striking, NoGi & MMA classes. They added in wrestling, sambo, boxing, kickboxing & Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu at later stages.
Also, I should probably clarify that when I say Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu I mean the way our good lord and saviour Helio Gracie intended. In the Gi you motherfuckers. I’m not saying that NoGi isn’t Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, but we all know in our hearts what the right way to do things is and what the wrong way to do things is. The right way doesn’t throw up gang signs and wear spats. Eddie Brah has a lot to answer for.
Back then the landscape was very different to how it is now. Let me tell you, Scotland used to be all hills when I was a lad. Ohohoho.
Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu definitely existed in Scotland back then, but it was nowhere near as well known or as readily available. Between rounding up sheep, drinking ourselves blind & riding highland coos to work – there was already people practicing this wonderful grappling art at multiple clubs around the country. They were just a lot further spread out.
Back then though, it felt like a bit of a dirty secret. Things are a lot easier to explain nowadays with MMA being fucking huge thanks to old Tomatohead’s domination with the UFC. People now have a far better reference point than Ground Judo or Wrestling with Jammies on when explaining what it is we do. To keep things simple, I’d tell people I was basically training to be the next Chris Benoit without the grisly ending. I’m going to be the next champion of the friggin’ world!
I’d considered writing a who’s who of Scotland’s Jiu-Jitsu A-List back then, but I’d miss someone out and that would be it – my name would be marked going forward. Barry the fucking Bastard. Auld black mark Baz. You’re no getting in here with those trainers on, you piece of shit. You’re clearly steaming!
The chances are that if they’re an upper belt now, then they were on the scene back then, when it all began for little old me. Unless they’re some sort of phenom/grappling savant, in which case fuck you. Fuck you and your good Jiu-Jitsu.
When I started this pyjama party, all I really wanted to do was get good enough at it so that I could hopefully encourage more people to do it. I was a lot more focused on other people’s progress, than my own. Over the years, the black belt discussion would have been centred on people that I knew who were getting close – rather than wherever the I was. I have always been happy enough just being on the mats, regardless of what was wrapped around my waist or tossed to the side when it inevitably comes loose in a spicy roll.
From day one though, when I put a gi on and had that first daft roll about with some mates – I knew this was my jam. Early on it was obvious that I’d likely be doing this for the rest of my days. CHILLING OUT, MAXIN’ RELAXIN’ ALL COOL.
DMMA weren’t fucking about in trying to establish themselves as a place to be in Dundee. Their first seminar was actually Big Boaby Drysdale, who at the time I didn’t really know or care how good he was. I just knew the coaches were keen, so I should probably go. Plus it was about £35. Thinking back, having a former ADCC champion land in bloody Dundee as your first experience of high level Jiu-Jitsu is a pretty big deal, but I’ll never forgive him for what he did to Marcelo at ADCC.
“The human body was not designed for Jiu-Jitsu. Let’s begin.” – How Boab actually started the seminar. That’s pretty cool.
Not long after, seminar number two was up. This one would forever change my wee life going forward. Speedy Elliot came to Dundee after meeting a few of the coaches at an MMA show or something. He’d agreed to do a BJJ for MMA seminar and I just happened to go even though I was no longer really entertaining the MMA idea. I liked to train it, but I was never going to be a fighter. I’d absolutely be on someone’s KO highlight reel. Fuck that noise.
It was clear quickly that Speedy was an excellent coach, and could nurture those willing to learn.
A few of us were convinced that there was something in this Jiu-Jitsu stuff, and whilst we were still going to train NoGi as well – we should buy gis and start training either at open mats or privately on a Sunday. At that time, we looked like weirdos (we still do to the gen’ pop’). Some people took that weirdo thing to a whole new level though. One even bought a bright red Gi. What an absolute prick that guy was.
Those Saturday/Sunday Gi sessions were instrumental in whatever technique base I likely have now. So if you think I’m shite, blame The Billy for taking me through the basics & Grant for being the training partner I practiced those basics on.
As you reflect in your auld age, you realise how thankful you should be for those sessions. That was the start. In those days it was more often than not just myself, The Billy & Grant. Occasionally we’d be joined by my old manager Chris, or someone else half-keen to dip their toes in.
The Billy is an exceptional coach, with more knowledge than most will ever know. People quickly forget that he can smack a puss or two as well as rip yer jaiket aff and de-breek you.
It’s weird to think back on, because whilst The Billy was already a blue belt under August Wallen (Shooters MMA) – when we started these sessions, we likely didn’t think it would go anywhere other than what we were doing there and then.
In November of that year after a few months of training ourselves; The Billy, Grant and myself took our first trip together to see Speedy in Newcastle. I don’t think I’ve been to a colder place in my entire fucking life than the old Wallsend Boys Club. We were ushered into a dimly lit room upstairs, past the youths playing football loudly. I can almost feel the sting of the freezing cold Judo Tatami on my wee tootsies. There was a bench along one wall where a bunch of Speedy’s guys sat and welcomed us. Our first class was on kneebars. It was brilliant. Afterwards I remember rolling with Speedy’s son Tyrone, who was a small fifteen year old child green belt – he beat the absolute fucking shit out of me. I then rolled with one of Speedy’s brown belts, Ian. He was smaller than Tyrone and I physically couldn’t move him. What I felt in that room on that very day, seemed like magic. If I’d had any doubts before, they would have been squashed there and then. I wanted a piece of that magic and was ready to make a deal with the devil for it.
I’M THE DEVIL, I LOVE METAL.
The next couple of years were either us going down to Speedy’s or him coming up to us, each time we’d be teased with a new slew of tricks to play with to expand our ever growing tool belt. Things started to grow organically here and whilst we were still considered the Gi weirdos in the club – people started to gradually take notice. It helped that the likes of Euan Sloane, Paul Patrick & Scott Malone were joining in on the fun All veteran Martial Artists in their own rights even back then. Those early sessions were tough, but great fun. Even the times when it was just Grant and I training, we’d make sure to drill techniques to absolute exhaustion, whilst laughing about some absolute fucking nonsense.
Once The Billy got his purple belt from Speedy, he agreed to start finally teaching BJJ at DMMA instead of doing his NoGi classes. The Billy’s a stubborn auld traditional fuck, so he is. Refused to officially teach before he was at least considered a decent grade – I don’t think anyone would have had a problem learning earlier to be honest, but if there’s one things nearly 13 years of The Billy has taught me, it’s that he’s no right in the haed. So you can’t really reason with him, or convince him that he is actually pretty good at this stuff. What you have to do is piss him off when you’re rolling with him, and suddenly he picks it up a bit and you’re in for a world of hurt. Prison rules.
Finally, we had a gi scene that wasn’t just 70 year old pissheads jostling swords out of people’s hands. DMMA was the birthplace of Dundee’s BJJ really. What started as a few chums running with an idea and driving down to Noocassle in my wee fartbox Corsa is now a fairly healthy city for thon Jiu-Jitsu. Dundee now comes with four flavours of BJJ. There’s DMMA (The Billy), Origin Jiu-Jitsu Scotland (Grant Cruickshank), Gracie Barra Dundee (Valentine Duke) & Catch 22 (Shaughn Vos). It doesn’t matter which door you knock on, you’re going to get some top quality training at any of them.
Back to October 9th. Originally Marc Walder was due to come up to Origin Jiu-Jitsu Scotland for a seminar, but could no longer make it. Luckily one of his black belts by the name of Speedy offered to cover. I hadn’t seen Speedy in a couple of months so was looking forward to this. The seminar was great. Full of good technique, ukes getting fucked up during demos & most importnatly the room was filled with laughter. It was a cool day. At the end of the seminar it was time for a couple of gradings. I’d already spoke to Grant about who would be up. Cookie and Flynn were getting their blue belts. This was really cool to see because Flynn has been training since he was just a tiny little thing. Y’know before he grew a mullet, developed a stinking attitude and a propensity to talk back. Typical yoof.
Cookie has been training years, but has really kicked it into gear this last year or so and has come on leaps and bounds. Seeing both get their well deserved bump up the ladder was wonderful. It’s a special wee thing sharing in that moment. Seeing team mates get recognised for their efforts. I love it.
At this point I figured it was about time to say our goodbyes and crack on up the road for a succulent Chinese meal (GET YOUR HAND OFF OF MY PENIS – I see you know your judo well), but Speedy wasn’t done.
He took a moment to talk about how difficult it can be taking time off of training, when other people are still able to. He talked about how long some people in the room had been doing this, their technique, attitude etc and how one person in particular had been deserving of grading up for a while now. In moments like that you know there’s a possibility that it’ll be your name, but there’s also a possibility it could be anyone else in the room. Being the speccy hoor that I am, I tried to ignore the fact that Sharon was pointing her phone in my direction.
It felt big. It felt like Speedy was talking about me and to me. He called my name. Somehow, I managed to stay composed and not burst into floods of tears and just enjoy the moment. Stoic but happy. It’s a strange thing, seeing the faces of your training partners, team mates, peers and instructors all be happy for you at the same time. I could see the pride in The Billy & Grant’s faces to have me stand up there with them, when I started with them all those years ago. The absolute happiness that both Ritu & Speedy had for me as well, as I’m added to the list of Speedy’s black belts. Looking back at the room and seeing friends that have come to this semianr specifically just because they had an inkling that today was that day. It was very special and a day I won’t soon forget.
Speedy then went on to speak about the struggles that another person had been through in their own life, how close they’ve become with that person and how it was his time to ascending into grappling god status just like myself. Paul Patrick was up next to receive his black belt. Wonderfully Speedy & Ritu had arranged for Paul’s family to come in and witness this. I don’t think there’s a nicer guy I could have been bumped up with. He’s a gentleman on and off the mats, and his Borat impression is an absolute treat that you must ask him to do if you meet him. You’ll genuinely question whether he’s ever seen the movie.
Afterwards there was photos, cake & just general good times until the day was done. I was grateful to have been a part of it, but I couldn’t have gotten there without so many people along the way.
I’m a big fan of Simon Hayes’ philosophy on hidden lineage. Respecting not only your coaches for getting you where you are, but the training partners that have helped you along the way. So if we’ve bumped fists & had a roll about, thank you. Even if you mashed me up, or were a complete prick it’s all forward momentum in some way.
In later years you find yourself learning not only from training partners, but from students as well. It’s a testament to how far things have come in the short time that I’ve been training, but a blue belt then and a blue belt now are not the same thing. Shit’s evolved, and I’ll happily steal techniques from anyone on the mats as long as I can make it work.
Not every day on the mats was my best, but I always came back – do the same and one day you’re very likely to be where I am now – baffled by how the fuck you’re a black belt, but happy with it nonetheless.
Some day I’ll be giving out black belts. How fucking mental is that?
I’d be a top tier prick if I didn’t mention my three homes over the years. I’ve split my time between DMMA, Origin Jiu-Jitsu Scotland and the Inchture Grappling Club (now defunct). In each of them I have been lucky enough to be a student and a coach. Without those places & the people in them, I am nothing but a mortal man.
Toodles.
The Exploits of a Lazy Grappler. 